The past couple of months have been really rough for me. I’ve shared with you some of the things I’ve been going through lately, but maybe not all. Allow me to get you caught up. The wreckage of my past as an active alcoholic is still present in my life today, even though I’ve put down the drink now for about four years (with a two week slip in there one year ago last week) While I was actively drinking and in the full throws of my disease, my decision making was very poor to say the least. I was extremely selfish in all aspects of my life. And one of those aspects was my responsibility to pay my child support. Sometimes I payed, but most of the time I didn’t. Any money I earned was spent on my addictions and other selfish needs. So now those poor and impaired decisions have grown very large in regards to what I owe for child support. The courts are obviously involved with this situation I put myself into, to the point of garnishment of my paycheck and suspension of my drivers license. In the past I would have been very resentful of the situation, and the court system etc. etc. And what I would have done is drink over it all and try and run from the problem. My attitude was f&$K everything and run, but today I Face Everything And Recover. My problems won’t be solved or go away with a drink. So two months ago I was called into court to answer a charge of willfully not paying my child support. I was a little surprised by this since my check was being garnished and my employer told me he was forwarding the withholdings to the child support agency. So I confronted this issue head on and spoke with my boss and was reassured by him that he was indeed paying this as per the law. I asked him for proof of this so I can bring it to court as evidence of my innocence . But after three weeks of hemming and hawing he still could not present to me the documents I needed, and my court date was fast approaching. In the meantime I was taking the actions I needed to take to find out what I had to do to get my drivers license back so I could drive to and for work. I called and spoke to numerous people at the dmv and child support agency on many occasions and seemed to be getting the run around. The buck was being past with no real answers. I finally went to the office of child support and spoke with someone in person and explained my situation and asked how I can get the suspension lifted on my license. I was told what needed to be done and relayed this to my employer. At this time I was told by him that he wasn’t sending the money in and that he was putting it in his own account. He lied to me!! My first reaction was pure anger of course, than total frustration. My thinking was I’m doing the next right thing and doing my part and being responsible and trusting in others to be responsible for their part, but the situation is not getting solved. I felt very defeated. But I did not give up like I used to. I was not baffled by the situation as I was in the past. I intuitively knew what to do today. But I must admit that along with my frustration, I had a lot of guilt and shame. And that was due to the fact that I was (A) in this predicament, and (B) I had dragged others into my shortcomings.
While all these things were going on I felt like a prisoner. I felt trapped in my apartment.. not able to drive myself to my meetings or my commitments with NAMI. Not able to do the simple and little things like go grocery shopping or go do my laundry. I’ve learned in sobriety that I have to humble myself and ask for help. Something that to this day can be very difficult for me to do. The ego never wants to give in to anyone or anything. So I have to do everything I can to check that ego at the door and ask for help. And that’s exactly what I did. I called my friends from the program and asked for rides to meetings, to the store, and to appointments. And not once did someone say no or make me feel guilty for asking. And the more I was helped along the way, the more gratitude I had for those people being in my life, and God for putting those people in my life. It showed me that I have true friends in my life who care and love me for who I am, something I thought I would never have or experience in my life.
During these difficult and trying times there is one thing I did not stop doing..and that was praying. Everyday I ask God for the courage, strength and wisdom to get through the day sober, and to help me with the difficulties I was facing that day. I also kept going to my meetings and sharing my problems with my fellows.. which always seems to lessen the problem, keeps it in prospective and gives me feedback from someone who has faced the same challenges as myself. I try to use all the tools I’ve been given to be part of the solution today, rather than part of the problem. When I take the right actions to keep my side of the street clean and show up to life and be responsible, and ask God for help… I have a better shot at serenity in my life. I’ve been hearing lately from numerous people and outlets that I have to be in the action taking business, and leave the results up to God. I believe this is a message from God, because I believe God speaks to me through other people. But I have to keep reminding myself Gods time not mine. I want instant results.. that’s how I think. As the saying goes, patience is a virtue. I decided about four years ago to turn my will and my life over to the care of God. It hasn’t been easy. My will can run riot, and my pride and ego can revolt and pull away from God and towards my old ways and thinking.
To make a long story short… I kept my faith in God, stayed patient, took positive actions, faced my problems and fears, and God answered my prayers by having my boss pay the money that was owed, child support lifting the suspension on my license, and than getting my license back with no restrictions. In turn I’ve been able to do all the little things that people take for granted on a daily basis. I feel useful once again. I was able to drive down the street and see someone I know walking and stop and give them a ride to where they needed to be. I was able to drive myself to mass this past Sunday and sit with a person who brought me through the whole process of joining the Catholic church. And as I sat there in that pew and listen to the mass… I heard a voice inside me say, “you are right where you are supposed to be..you are home”. I was overwhelmed with emotions of gratitude and joy. God was reminding me that he is always with me and that his love for me will never waver or disappear… even know my faith in him may at times. Gods timing is always right on time. He knows what we need way before we know ourselves.
Thank you God for having faith me and giving me what I need when it’s needed, not when I want it.
all roads lead to change 